Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Randomize