YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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