Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
