giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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