You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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