he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
