I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
