Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
