WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
