I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize