My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
