Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
