i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Your penis caused this!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize