I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
MIDGETS
????
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
