i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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