I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
