You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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