I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
