I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
