Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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