she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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