he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
