Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
