cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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