i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize