I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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