I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
