wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
