So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
