Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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