dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
