Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
