Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
