My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
