You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
