Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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