then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
