he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
