Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
