nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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