I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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