Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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