The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
