i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
