I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
