Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
