I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
how does that bad decision feel?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
