Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
