I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
