New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
