Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
