dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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