No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
