You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
