dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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