I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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