You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
