Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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