I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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