Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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