This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
