My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
third nipple confirmed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
