yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
